How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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