I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
