Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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