when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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