I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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