How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
