Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
