It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
