dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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