I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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