Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
