Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
there's paper in my vomit.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Randomize
