totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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