I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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