I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
