oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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