i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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