guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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