imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
