Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
