I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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