Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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