i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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