apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
