And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
