The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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