The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
