you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
