FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Randomize
