This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
