please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
