I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
