fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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