dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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