i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
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