I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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