Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
