she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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