It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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