so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
