We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Quick, to the slutcave!
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
