the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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