Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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