This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
