Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
