if i can run in heels then i can drive
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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