I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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