i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Pants are for mortals
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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