So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
