Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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