You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
