So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
