If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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