I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
