I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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